Why being 10% suspicious in all your relationships pays off
Being suspicious is not as bad as you thought!
If you run a quick google search with the key words “relationship” and “suspicious” you will find hundreds, thousands of articles telling you how bad it is to suspect your partner, spouse, or friends. Related searches are about how to deal with suspicious partners or how to deal with your own suspicion.
Yet if you look the word meaning in the dictionary, it defines suspicious as “having or showing a cautious distrust of someone or something.” Pretty reasonable.
Please note that I am not talking about paranoid behaviors, about extremes, or psychological disorders. I am referring to suspicion as a state of mind, not as a personality trait.
One basic survival mechanism in the savanna was being suspicious. Calling, “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,” to this large beautiful cat without suspecting it could be a tiger would be an unwise choice. And our ancestors didn’t make the wrong choice and we are here to prove it!
So is there a healthy way of being suspicious? Yes, when it’s more of a cognitive process, a thought that tells us to be cautious. When suspicion is based on emotions, on feelings of insecurity and distrust it’s problematic. But when suspicion serves as a warning sign, we need it for our survival.
Suspicious of your self
Being suspicious of yourself doesn’t mean anything fancier than questioning yourself. That’s the foundation of self-awareness. “What do I want now?” “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Why do I want this thing/person/situation in my life right now?” Not taking at face value your feelings, your wishes and your wants can help you see your life more clearly. Knowing what motivates you, what ticks you off, what draws you to certain types of people or situations can save you a lot of trouble and heartbreak. Even in in more mundane situations, like when trying to make healthier eating choices, limit the amount of alcohol you drink, or whatever is a habit that you want to break, being suspicious of your “need” and asking yourself “Do I really need this piece of cake?” can help you reassess the situation and make a different choice.
Suspicious of others
Obviously, I am not referring to the paranoid behavior of never trusting anyone and always wondering whether they love you, cheat on you, etc. Or worse, always trying to find evidence and catch them being unfaithful. That’s not healthy. It’s a relationship killer. It also slowly kills the joy inside you.
Being suspicious of others is an act of fine balance. It’s more about being able to understand that sometimes you need to take things with a grain of salt, not accept everything at face value without questioning its validity. Here’s a simple example: if you are a parent, you probably had an instant when your frustrated kid (you didn’t do them a favor!) yelled at you “I hate you! You are the worst!”. Did you take that at face value? Did you accept that your kid doesn’t love you? No! Even under the influence of strong emotions like anger, sadness, shock, etc., you were able to question your child’s response and see the real issue behind it. In other words, you suspected that your child didn’t mean what they said, they were just upset because they didn’t get what they wanted.
Questioning what’s the motivation of the other person, wondering what their needs or wants maybe, is a fine way of “suspecting” them, of not taking their behavior at face value. Sometimes we just need to stop and think about the motives, the true feelings, the thoughts the other person shares with us, their desires and have a reality check. Do their words and actions match what we get? If not, why not?
Finally, we also need to examine the other person’s point of view. Try to understand where they come from, especially if we differ in our opinions. Suspecting that not everyone is like us is an enabling behavior, allowing us to make room for the other person, who is unique and not what we wish them or fantasize they should be.
Suspicious of situations
Being suspicious of situations simply means that you don’t allow your imagination to take you into unrealistic bliss or fear. Again, in this context being suspicious is a state of mind, not a personality trait. So when you find yourself in a tough situation, when you are faced with problems and unexpected difficulties, it pays off being “suspicious.” Question your situation, your reality. “Is this going to last forever?” “Is there something, no matter how small, that I can do?” “Have other people been in a similar situation? How did they cope?” Even being suspicious of the fact that this bad thing will last forever is good “this shall pass too.” A comforting thought to put things in perspective. Suspect that all your fears and worries are not reality based. Suspect that the worse case scenarios you make in your head may never happen. And then let your mind breathe.
You may also want to be suspicious of good situations. Not in a way to destroy them, but to be mindful of their presence this moment so you can savor them fully. And to be mindful that this may not last forever. This is the type of healthy suspicion that allows us to invest in relationships, to do things to nurture them, and not just take them for granted.
Open your mind, be curious of your situation, experience it, but be suspicious of how long it’s going to last, how intense it’s going to be, what an impact it will have on you. Be mindful of change in life, change in circumstances, in your emotional state. Once you start suspecting other dimension in your current situation, you will see that there are more options.
Suspicion as a way of thinking and assessing people and situations can be a way of being informed and not naïve.
Why 10% suspicious?
Try to stop and examine closer one out of ten discussions or interactions you have with another person. Be cognitively suspicious of yourself and ask, “Why did I say this?” “What was the reason I reacted like that?” Be curious about your thinking and feeling process. Using a dash of suspicion, you can learn important things about yourself, the way you relate to people and the things you expect of them. Knowing yourself, self-awareness, increases your emotional intelligence and your chances of being happy with yourself and in your relationships with others.
In one out of ten interactions with other people, stop and think about what was said and done. Be suspicious, cautious not to take at face value what they said or did. Explore their motives, wonder how their past experiences have shaped them to be the person you have before you, with these specific reactions. Suspect that the other person is different than you and try to accept it. Accept them. And if you feel the differences are too big, the gap huge, then you can say goodbye and move on.
I will also urge you to be suspicious in one out of ten situations, as a reality check. Is this situation or experience for real? Is it something that another person would see the way you do, or is this situation mostly in your imagination? Are you in the perfect relationship or you imagine it to be perfect because that’s what you want? Is the fact that you are not in a relationship right now that terrible? Be suspicious and explore whether you are in the process of healing, of getting to know yourself better, or getting ready for a new relationship according to your needs and standards.
Being suspicious can be a healthy way of examining the way you think and react, of examining yourself, others, and different situations in your life. Using some caution and a good amount of thinking and judging your life can lead to better, more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others.
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Warmly,
Liza
