Have a splendiferous relationship with yourself first and then find a relationship

I was enjoying a cup of coffee with my friend Nina the other day.

Or, was I enjoying it?

Nina had sad news. Again. After a relaxing vacation on the Caribbean, with long walks on the beach, dives on turquoise waters, and magnificent sunsets, she was just sad.

Her boyfriend of two months just disappeared.

“What do you mean, disappeared?”

“He was just gone. He didn’t answer his phone, he changed his number, he even blocked me from social media,” Nina reported.

Parting in a civilized way is one thing.

Being dumped past the college age is another thing.

But having someone disappear on you is just beyond words.

I felt for Nina. I had heard about the relationship. It seemed promising.

“What did I do wrong?” she asked. “We were getting along, we had a good time. I just don’t get it.

“Well…” I tried to buy some time and process the information.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked.

Before offering my honest opinion, she added:

“I guess I need to track him down and ask him why he left like that. I need to know what the problem is, so I can fix it. I am so stupid to lose him just when we started. I think this relationship could work if we were to give it a try.”

And that’s exactly when I realized what the problem was. It wasn’t the boyfriend, who obviously had a terrible attitude. It wasn’t something in the relationship, as far as I could tell. It wasn’t the circumstances of the situation. The problem was with Nina.

Nina, who wanted to fix things, people situations. But who would never assess whether they wanted to be fixed. You see, knowing Nina for many years, I knew something about Nina that she didn’t know about herself.

She was a fixer. This may sound good. In some situations, it can be great. But it just didn’t work in Nina’s love life.

Because being a fixer was really a distraction. Nina was trying to “fix” others because she didn’t want to take a look inside and fix herself.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”
— Oscar Wilde

To put it simply, Nina didn’t have a good relationship with herself.

Now, even if you are a psychologist and psychotherapist, it ain’t easy telling your friend what’s wrong. Especially a friend like Nina, who would like to fix what’s wrong, as long as there’s nothing wrong with her.

And that’s when I took my chances.

“Nina, do you want my honest opinion, or do you want me to say what you want to hear?” I ventured.

“Your honest opinion, of course, what do you think?”

“I think that probably the main reason you don’t have a fulfilling romantic relationship is because you don’t have a good relationship with yourself in the first place.” There. I said it.

And that’s when Nina started crying.

“I thought it didn’t show,” she said. “I thought it didn’t matter. All I wanted was to find my soulmate,” she said softly. “How stupid, stupid, stupid, I was,” she lamented.

I looked her in the eye: “Hey, that’s not fair. You are always so hard on yourself. That’s what you need to change.”

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”
— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Now, there’s no recipe on how to improve your relationship with yourself, only tips and ideas one needs to try out and see what works for them. Here are some of my suggestions to Nina -and my clients.

1. Create and practice habits of self-love

That’s simply positive, everyday habits that help you acknowledge, accept, and love yourself. What’s worked for people is daily positive affirmations, complimenting oneself, catching oneself being good, savoring time alone with oneself.

2. Practice positive self-talk

This has to do with the inner dialogue we carry with ourselves, on a daily basis. How do you talk to yourself? Do you use nice, supportive and encouraging language? Do you talk to yourself the way you would to a dear friend? If not, then you need to reconsider. Many people, including Nina, talk to themselves in a negative, derogatory, plain mean manner that they would never use with a friend. Why talk like that to yourself, then?

3. Practice forgiveness

Do you keep a log of your mistakes? Do you berate yourself for whatever you did wrong, small or big? Do you always tell yourself that it’s been your fault? That if you had been more competent/effective/smart/fit, etc., things would have turned out perfect? Learn to let go of all the self-accusations and forgive yourself.

4. Surround yourself with positive people and positive energy

Who are the people you are hanging out with? Do you have positive people in your life? People who love you, who care about you, and support you in your life journey? Is there positive energy in your life or just moaning and groaning about difficulties and hardships? Create a positive support system around you.

5. Practice journaling

Make it a habit to jot down your thoughts and emotions, to process what’s going on in your life. Let your thoughts and feelings pour out, flow out on paper. Writing is a great way of clarifying how we think and how we feel.

6. Practice gratitude

Just note the good things that there are in your life. Don’t take them for granted. Small, everyday, little things- they make a big difference. By noticing them you will realize that your life has a lot more than meets the eye.

7. Accept your self by celebrating your strengths

Make a list of your character strengths and qualities. How do they show in your daily life? What are some difficult situations that you were able to overcome using your character strengths? What goals have you accomplished using your strengths? Learn to accept and appreciate yourself the way you are, not the way you dream you could be.