Dear friend, it sounds you have been doing some heavy duty soul searching in your quest of finding meaning… You are brave to expose yourself here, even if anonymously, and share some deep thoughts and feelings. One thing that I observed is that despite attachment difficulties, one still has the freedom to choose how to respond to life. It sounds that you chose love and kindness and it seems that has paid off emotionally. I am sorry for your loss-it’s never easy losing a loved one; that always stirs things up, opens old wounds and plainly hurts. You sound like a resourceful person who knows when to ask for help and utilize it, so I trust that you will make the decision that best suits you to learn to cope with this situation. I hope I will have the pleasure of hearing from you again. Warm wishes, Liza.